[note: i just located this old copy after i thought i accidently deleted this... and since it's the 2nd time around, i haven't bothered to read thru it... and fix lil errors.. oh well]
it's really more of a problem, especially when it comes to relationships n shiet, or when interacting w/ people you're feelin'. sad how honesty is neglected in fear of the chain reaction.
ever talk to people w/ intention of hookin' up ? you know what you want, but they don't.. atleast from a direct verbal standpoint.. so you basically spend 3 months of your time, playin' the "game" whatever that may be, only to be directed to the casket you feel like dyin' in when you're rejected.
hello! you just wasted 3 months of your time on a lost cause... i'll explain through a real life occurance which i experienced for myself...
i'll call her special... well she is, but for her sake, we'll call her Teresa. and when i refer to her college, we'll say UCLA.
ok on to the story, and nah it's not meant to be published (obviously), and then paid for to read -- just a quick stream of thought, and an experience, which some may benefit from.
so... to skip past the initial bullshit.. teresa and i started talkin' on IMz here n there. i honestly had no intentions w/ her, but just to talk for the moment. and why no intentions? because initially i'm not her type, so basically if i did have subliminal intentions, i was definitely the underdog. didn't feel like puttin' pressure on myself. so why not just be friends? of course..
so we talk.. usually once a day.. for an hour or two, i'd catch her before she would goto sleep, when she had a lil free time -- she was a very busy girl... finals were creepin', school was out in a month, so i felt i would help her by not overwhelming her with anything, but i still think i did in a way, but it was genuine atleast when i did. so after mm.... a few weekz of online chitchat (i think i talked to her on the fone once or twice... but not really to talk.. just cuz it was necessary to help w/ her computer or whatever.. besides i'm not really a fone person)
every now n then i would let her know, i wanted to hang out w/ her for a bit... but she wasn't goin' for it since she "didn't know me that well" (famous female reason).. which is cool.. so i had to find her achilles heel, and sucker her into spendin' time w/ me.. mmm the motorcycle.. i asked her if she wanted to ride.. now we all know, that all girls wanna ride, but the only thing that stops them is the fear.. well she was down to ride, since she's ridden before... perfect. i found my window of opportunity to see what she's all about from a person 2 person perspective.. remember no intentions.. i didn't wanna fuck, i didn't wanna get in her panties, i didn't wanna touch her, and i wasn't even expectin' a hug when she first walked up to me saying hello... (i forgot if she gave me one or not.. i don't think so)
so anyways.. we set up a night, where we'd go riding... only problem, my bike bein' a race bike, has no rear footpegs for a passenger, fuck.. so i ended up borrowin' my friends bike the day before to go to bike night. she wanted to ride on thursday.. i kept pressin' for wednesday, cuz i had the bike then, and wasn't sure if i could get it on thurs. thurs rolls around... of course i can't get the bike... FUCK. but magically.. plans got changed w/ my friend.. and it's mine... when i found out i couldn't get the bike, i already let her know. but i ended up callin' her back, lettin' her kno it's still on.. she was still down.. perfect -- things are finally goin' my way, nothin like a fine ass girl on the back of ur bike.. basically ur the envy of everyone in a car. plan was to pick her up at 930ish i believe... so i roll to my friends house.. get the bike.. tried callin' her, to let her know i'm on my way.. no answer.. she told me she was gonna take a nap.. guess she was sleeping.. fuck, i hope she wakes up.. i get geared up.. stuff a ridin' jacket i had for her in my backpack, strapped a helmet onto the rear seat (i was riding a 2003 honda cbr600rr if you care to know).. geared myself up.. and off i went to get gas. called her from the gas station... PHEW she answered.. finally. let her know i was on my way. and off i went..
so here i am.. on campus at UCLA.. tryin' to pick up this girl i never met before. first of all.. tryin' to figure out what is where on a college campus is fuckin' difficult.. but finally. i told her where i was at by describin' it.. and she walked over there. she strolled up in a tshirt.. it was rolled up on the sleeves.. like brandon from 90210... ha ha.. in jeans. yup, she was very attractive.. but i didn't care, cuz that wasn't my intention. all i cared is that her ass looked good for all the drooling perverts in cars.
i take off my leather dainese jacket.. which fits tight on me, since it's a 2pc "race fit" which attaches to leather pants.. for track riding n shiet.. so hopefully it would fit her perfect.. gave it to her, to shine in... and fuck.. boy did she ever.. that dainese leather jacket looked fuckin' madd good on her. now on goes the helmet i brought for her.. mmk, now she looks like a q-tip.. oh well.. i had to help her w/ the chin strap.. showin' her how to thread it through the D-rings and how to not choke herself.. right then and there... through the physical interaction, and bein' close to her... i knew, ahh fuck, there's attraction here...
finally we were all geared up and ready to roll... and with plenty of people walkin' by on campus.. i was nervous i would stall, tip, fall over, lay the bike down.. or somethin'.. she even had to push me and the bike back a bit of a ways to overcome the slight incline i parked on in the parking lot, once turned around, she hopped on the back, ready to put her life in my hands .. literally. great. slow parking lot maneuvers, w/ a passenger.. here i am 145lbs, Teresa has her arms around me in a suffocating vice grip around me, and i'm only 6 months deep into riding -- not to mention it's not bike.. the odds are definitely not stacked in my favor... as far as not hitting the pavement that is.. i manage ease out of the parking lot, out of the campus, and onto the streets... finally we're off.
we ride.. and ride... and ride.. freeways, streets, our destination -- none. she holds on tighter when i whack the the throttle wide open.. and scream to 15k rpms... i back off... and our helmets hit of course.. heh.. her arms start to hurt from holdin' on. i'm gettin' a lil worked.. so we hit up carl's to eat... we talk and eat.. eventually... headin' back out to ride through a few twisties, so she can have fun starin' at the ground while i'm leanin' the bike from side to side... and then finally back on the freeways to take her home...
to sum up that night.. it broke the ice, and we had MADD fun while doin' it, and she wouldn't stop smilin' the whole time. thank you bike! so that's coo.. but now what? alright.. so we talk for a few more days... same as before we met... finally end up lettin' her kno.. i'm feelin' her.. expectin' nothin' in return, Teresa letz me kno the feelin' is mutual.. good shiet... now time to act on that feeling...
a week later i believe, we spontaneous decide i should come by at 2am in the morning, to give her some software, and, and i can't remember what else.. but whatever.. it was an excuse for me to spend some more time w/ her. actin' on them initial feelings from da first time we went out, i decided to take the initiative and give her a pink rose that i pulled out from a bouquet at ralphs tryin' to convince the cashier to sell it to me as a "single" rose -- and that rose was an invitation -- to let her know more than friendship was present. also.. i remember when we talked.. she mentioned not havin' a certain something (i'm not gonna mention it, cuz it might reveal who she is).. but i got that for her as well (don't worry, it was small and priced at 2.99, so it was nothing)
i arrive. call her to let her know i'm there. and try not to get lost in the on campus maze while findin' her dorms. i'm sittin' outside the front, w/ my invitation (the rose), and my proof that i pay attention to what she has to say (the lil somethin' i got her). out she comes. same strikin' person as before.... word.. shes' talkin' to me, she doesn't notice the rose behind me.. i give it to her nonchanlantly.. she gives me the smile and the "awwww" response. nothin' earthshattering, but it's ok -- cuz i didn't expect it. but the lil somethin' i gave her, grabbed her atttention more than a rose.
we get to her dorm. and i do what i had to w/ her computer (i forgot what) all while talking, and takin' quick 30 second breaks to look at her when she talked. an hour or so rolled by.. maybe 2.. but it was time for me to go -- i was on my way to take advantage of the tired casino regulars playin' poker who oh-so-much wanted to give me their money (it was 4am or so at this point). but before i left.. i wanted to kiss her. i'm sorry... but movie like kisses, rarely happen... so i just decided to put it out there.. and on my lap she came.. while i gave her all the attention she deserved, bein' the queen she is... picked her up and carried her a whole 3feet to her bed (dorms are small) -- uh oh.. she's thinkin' i wanna fuck.. but i assured her that wasn't the case.. i just didn't wanna be restricted to a chair.. kissed her everywhere above the tits for about 20 minutes... including her lips. here i am tryin' my best.. when i just got my tongue pierced earlier that day, tryin' not to drool all over he collar bone. i couldn't use my tongue much -- when we kissed.. but she understood. every now n then a random moan would escape from her when i was concentratin' on her neck.. sexy shit.. my dick was hard -- but oh well, i made a point i wouldn't think w/ him tonight. eventually stopped the drool session, i mean make out session... her bein' surprised i kept my hands on a rated G level... out the door i went to take some suckaz money in hold 'em.
the next day... guess where i was at? yup the casino. i didn't have that much money that week, from bills and all, and had to recoop some, plus i didn't feel like penny pinchin' to live until i got paid the followin' week. i decided to call her up after i made my quick $100 (yea i know it's nothin' substantional) to ask if she was hungry, and wanted me to bring her some food, she was studyin' for finals and all. she accepted.. nice.. dropped by w/ the food. sat in the foyer area and talked for like 5 min.. reminded her i should go, although i didn't want to, but i wanted to let her know school was more of a priority than i.
after that.. didn't see her for a week i believe. once we made plans to get stoned, and go do somethin' on a friday nite, so we decided to follow through on that a week later. for some reason.. that kinda seemed forced in a way, since it was a "plan" it wasn't spontaneous like the otha times.. which i would prefer, plans are lame. friday arrived, and i was thinkin' about it all day, eager in a way.. picked up a thesauras for her (she always talked about how she needed one), and Office Space DVD (part of the plan), as well as the kush (which is marijuana, and also part of the plan). i even borrowed my friends car for the night, since it has a radio, and if we were gonna go somewhere -- no radio is kinda annoying.. plus my GTI just craves canyons, so usin' it as an A to B car gets irritating.
once again i arrive.. in her dorm we are.. gave her the thesauras. showed her office space and the weed/pipe. we talked a bit.. tryin' to figure out what we should do. so to keep it simple... we should get some food first, since we're gonna be hungry once we were stoned. decided to take her car, since mine was parked on the street, a good walk away. i start commentin' on her... i'm critical when it comes to cars. she tells me it has a problem.. and that it rides to stiff and it bugs her. mmmk... i can fix that a bit. we hit up a gas station so i can lower the air pressure in each tire to bring some caddy lick boat feelin' back to her car when goin' over all the fucked up roads in her area. she noticed the difference, i noticed my dirty hands. gotta wash those later... in case i decide to hold her hand or whatever.
once at jack in the box in the drive through -- we both gawk at the menu tryin' to figure out what to get. and then she asks me. "umm, is it ok if i get a milkshake?". my intention was to pay anyways, so i tell her "you can get whatever you want". i don't know if she was shocked at my response, it was nothing new, i paid for her the first time we ate when we went riding, i've brought her food before.. but she seemed a little surprised.. and rewarded me with a very genuine one-in-a-million smile that i'll never forget, all while leanin' my way to give me a quick kiss -- i leaned back, denying her. that bonus kiss wasn't needed, as she already kissed my soul with that smile i was still recovering from. this was the turning point, i think if i didn't dodge that innocent gesture, things would have went differently. she had no clue of the impact she just had, but she did know that i didn't want her kiss, atleast not at that moment.
we get back, hotbox the car, go through a mission parkin' the car in it's appropriate spot, and laugh our way to her dorm. alright, time for office space. but i didn't care about office space, she was my focus. but.. she cared about office space. we watched it, laughin' like idiots at every fuckin scene. throughout the movie, we were eating.. well she was eating, i was suffering tryin' to eat w/ the annoying tongue ring which i was still gettin' used to. i wanted to touch her, and kiss her. she wanted to clean her teeth.. ha ha. the whole movie was basically cat and mouse, till i eventually didn't push it anymore.
i was quite confused.. everything went from really good, to "Pay attention to the damn movie". alright. the weed definitely got her thinking, and i was endurin' all the fucked up blows she was indirectly hittin' me w/ because of it. movie ended. i was extremely tired, she offered to let me "crash" there, to recoup my energy to drive home.. but that word crash. somethin' you tell a friend who can't make it home. ahhh.... i knew where this was leading, she only had one bed, me stayin' there wouldda just been a headache for both of us.. considerin' we were on the downhill of whatever relationship we already established.. walked me out.. to the foyer of our dorm we stand.. i wanted to know verbally, why the change in actions. ready to show no reaction to her honesty. and surprising me, she gave me just that. honesty, not one ounce of bullshit. "i just want to be friends, i don't want to lead you on, i don't know what i'm feeling now" is basically what she told me. wow.. alright.. thanks for dropping me from a plane, and letting me survive.. i expected it though, and felt it comin' right when i denied her kiss hours before at the drive thru.
i walked away from her dorm, feeling quite shitty, and destroyed, but i did realize, we weren't that deep into whatever we were swimming in. our first time together was not even a whole two weeks prior. i didn't have much to forget.. so i tried to just ignore it for the next few days. when the sun was out, i was fine, nighttime -- i was thinking.. trying to figure out.. how the fuck all that happened so quickly. quick to rise quick to fall right? possibly. but she was leavin' to go back home which is hundreds of miles away from LA to stay w/ her family for the summer in a week or so. i expected an ending, but not that one, and definitely not as abruptly atleast.
now some points. didn't talk to her much after that.. took me about a full week or so to completely regain my composure, and small talk with her again. and then i started thinkin' about what happened. and realized, i commend Teresa for what she did, and what she told me. her honesty is rare and unseen amoung most people. she let me know right away, without having to drop hints for weeks.. months. she saved me the headache, as well as herself from dealing w/ my headache... what happened in those 2 weeks, can easily be dragged out into a year through an actual relationship. i think that was a "quick-pick" of "relationships" if you want to even call it that. i would say fling, but i percieve flings to be based on sex, this was the complete opposite, based on two people, and their interactions between eachother.
from the big picture perspective, it was just the beginning of our friendship -- with lots of shiet goin' on, so quickly, that their's no choice but to be overwhelmed, from everything that happened. crazy, cuz i was so careful to not overwhelm her, or myself. ever pour water from a bottle that has a big opening, into another bottle with a smaller opening? you better do it over a sink, because you're gonna spill some in the process. that's being overwhelmed. we do it that way because it's quick. you can get a funnel.. and watch as it takes forever to swirl itself into the new bottle, but that takes forever, but you don't lose water in the process. crammin' all that shit into 2 weeks? yup overwhelmed. i learned a grip though, honesty is overlooked and neglected. honesty hurts, that's why we usually avoid it, unless it's good shit. i appreciate her more than she knows for her honesty, such a quality makes me very happy to be her friend. i wouldn't change one thing that happened. no one likes to be dropped into the friend zone, especially to their face. but that's what i get for breaking my own initial intention with her, just wanting to be friends from the get go. i didn't even give that a chance... actually, i didn't give time a chance to test our friendship before we moved on to something more.
i'll remember that genuine smile, a reaction from action, at the drive through forever. that kinda shiet is so rare.. especially in this pseudo world, i'll prolly accumulate a whole collection of 5 of those moments before i die. thanks. ahh.. and of course, her honesty, so unexpected, blunt, real, ...so respected.
-sickz